The Biz of Coding

The Onion Predicts a 5 blade Gillette after Mach 3

by Ujwal Tickoo on March 9th, 2008

Gillette could come out with a 5 blade shaving machine to beat out competition that is catching fast! This is what The Onion humorously predicts in its story "Fuck Everything, We are doing 5 blades" as a note from James Kilts, CEO of Gillette:

The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades….

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

This is a superb read. Go ahead read and hear yourself break into peals of laughter. Another Gem is from Karent Lohtse "Act Now To Take Advantage Of My Lowered Standards":

Are you tired of all those other women who expect an emotional connection? Are you fed up with wasting all your precious time building a rapport before she gives in and sleeps with you? Well, listen up, because I have got a deal for you! For the next 60 minutes, I'll be offering a complete package—that's my full attention, conversation, and uninterrupted alcohol-facilitated sexual contact followed by a late-night cab ride to my place at no cost to you—in exchange for only two drinks and an inquiry into how my night is going. This is the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your lazy eye and bad breath ignored that you can't afford to miss!

…I've slashed my hopes for finding Mr. Right and adjusted my height, weight, and personal-hygiene requirements to their most pathetically flexible yet.

POSTED IN: Seriously Funny