The Onion — Funniest Web News Source Yet!
If you are majorly bored or tired with work and have had your full of dilbert cartoons and regular jokes The Onion is the finest news place to visit to have a laugh! Here are 5 super funny news items I read today:
(1) Newly Promoted Marketing Executive Treats Self To Girlfriend Upgrade
Ever since he was hired by Kaiser, Seifert & Briggs Marketing Group two years ago, Sean Gordimer has been striving to impress the company's top brass…So when…vice-president informed Gordimer that he'd been chosen to be the new associate director of corporate communications…he couldn't help but celebrate…The next day, the newly promoted Gordimer treated himself to a girlfriend upgrade…Gordimer said that (the new girlfriend)…holds numerous other advantages over his previous girlfriend, including longer legs, a smaller waist, and collagen-enhanced lips, a feature he described as "very sexy."…"I am extremely pleased," he said. "I'd always wanted a girl like Robyn, but, unfortunately, I wasn't able to obtain one as an entry-level executive.
(2) Apple launches "iLaunch" — the New Product-Unveiling Product
At a highly anticipated media event…Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs introduced a new Apple product he said would "revolutionize" the process of unveiling new products throughout the world….The iLaunch…(caused)…the audience of technology journalists, developers, and self-professed "Apple fanatics" to burst into a five-minute standing ovation. "Get ready for the future of product introduction," said Jobs, looking resplendent in a black turtleneck and faded jeans.
"The iLaunch will be able to make announcements from this, or any other stage, making human participation in generating consumer awareness almost entirely unnecessary."…
(3) Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business
Despite having been on the job for nine months, RadioShack CEO Julian Day said Monday that he still has "no idea" how the home electronics store manages to stay open.
"There must be some sort of business model that enables this company to make money, but I'll be damned if I know what it is," Day said…."Have you even been inside of a RadioShack recently?" Day asked. "Just walking into the place makes you feel vaguely depressed and alienated. Maybe our customers are at the mall anyway and don't feel like driving to Best Buy? I suppose that's possible, but still, it's just…weird."
(4) Love Letter Made Longer By Increasing Margins A half-page love letter written using Microsoft Word…by Derek Glassburn…was expanded to a full page by increasing the document's margins by nearly one-quarter inch on all sides…."Even after saying that she was prettier than every girl I've ever dated, and that I loved her more than a bunch of stuff, [the letter] looked like I had put nothing into it," Glassburn said. "Besides lengthening the margins, I changed the font from Times New Roman to Helvetica, upped the font size to 12.8 points, and put it all in bold." (5) National Science Foundation: Science is Hard The science-is-hard theorem, first posited by a team of MIT professors in 1990, was slow to gain acceptance within the science community….This weekend's conference, featuring symposia on how hard the Earth sciences are, how confusing medical science is, and how ridiculously un-gettable quantum physics is, represented a major step forward for the science-is-hard theorem. "We now believe that the theorem is 99.999% likely to be true, after applying these incredibly complex statistical techniques that gave me a splitting headache," Farian said. "I guess there's cool stuff about science," Watanabe continued, "like space travel and bombs. But that stuff is so hard, it's honestly not even worth the effort." Go Read The Onion; laugh your heart out and get back to work all refreshed! :)
…."Quantum physics has always been a particularly tough branch of science," UCLA physicist Dr. Hideki Watanabe said. "But in addition to being some of the smartest Einstein-y stuff around, it is undeniably a really stupid, pointless thing to study, something you could never actually use in the real world. This paradoxical dual state may one day lead to a new understanding of physics as a way to confuse and bore people."
POSTED IN: Seriously Funny
1 opinion for The Onion — Funniest Web News Source Yet!
IndianPad
Apr 24, 2007 at 5:25 am
The Onion — Funniest Web News Source Yet! posted at IndianPad.com
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